What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 02:08
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But it wasn’t much.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
What was the first Native American tribe to inhabit Long Island, NY?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What did i know ?
I never cut or harmed myself..
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She found it foreign!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
How do we write and pronounce "it's my pleasure" in Italian?
He knew the spot.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was 9 years of age.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
How do you respond to "I don't like you anymore"?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why is it difficult to get a job?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Who is the most trusted person in your life, and do they have the same trust on you?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was in good health!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Is it possible to revive a dead person in real life with black magic?
So, i spoilt her more .
Comes on , in middle age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Do you feel uncomfortable when you come across cross dressers?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I write beautiful poetry .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im still living with it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why did i forgive my father ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It was going to be , some day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was very sick at this time too.
Who then, do I blame.?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Would this be the day?
She wouldn,t have been !
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I waited trembling.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So whats the point in blame.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot live in the past .
I was scared of men, in general
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When she asked me how she looked .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She married twice! .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were not on the streets..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
This is soul school!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I could never make a relationship work though!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Ive learnt so much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My life is so biszare .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
(And it was in our own minds.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
All the time i was locked up.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I don,t even have a pension.
Put me off passion for life!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She loved him until the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I will be 64.
I said to her
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was seconnd youngest,
And i lived it daily.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I have no regrets .
But, we were locked up after school.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I think the readers, may guess!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Especially a lifetime of it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!